UGGGGHHHH

WHAT ELSE TO DO BESIDES GET STONED AND WATCH KOLCHAK? I'M GOING TO GO NUTS. TAPES AND MOD PODGE AREN'T DOING ANYTHING. I'VE PUKED WAY TOO MANY TIMES TODAY. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO HAVE EITHER A BOTTLE IN FRONT OF ME OR A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY. PILLS WOULD BE NICE. MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN...

LIFE ADVICE

DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO WAS NEVER PUNK OR DOESN'T LIKE BOB DYLAN. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO HAS NEVER DONE DRUGS. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO TALKS LOUDLY ABOUT THEMSELVES IN PUBLIC. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO TALKS ABOUT A BAND THAT THEY'RE FRIENDS WITH. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WITH A TWITTER. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO WATCHES REALITY TELEVISION. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO OWNS ANY AMERICAN APPAREL. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO LISTENS TO TALK RADIO. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO LIKED THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY THAT ISN'T DOWN WITH THE GAYS. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO RIDES A FIXIE. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY THAT DOESN'T WEAR SHORTS (DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO'S TRYING TOO HARD). DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T LIKE THE SIMPSONS. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WITH A MOUSTACHE (THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS ONE). DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO'S FRIENDS ARE ASSHOLES. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO WAITS IN LINE TO GET INTO SOMEWHERE TO DRINK AND DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO HANGS OUT IN CROWDED FAUX-DIVES. DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T LIKE STAR WARS OR BASEBALL. DID I MENTION PUNK MUSIC? COME ON, SERIOUSLY! DON'T TRUST ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T OWN PENIS ENVY OR THE FIRST SUICIDE RECORD. THIS IS ALL SIMPLE SHIT THAT WE ALL NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL ABOUT. YOU BASICALLY CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY ANYMORE SO CHOOSE YR TEAM WISELY...

...HAVING SAID THAT, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

QUICK THANX

A QUICK LIST OF THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR:

MOD PODGE, INSTANT NETFLIX FOR THE PS3, CIGARETTES, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC, FAMILY TIES, CATS + DOGS, AFRICA, INDECISION, PIZZA, BOWLING, BENZODIAZEPINES, SIR VICTOR UWAIFO, MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000, FUNKY TREES, THE "NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" + "JEALOUS AGAIN" EPs, BOURBON, SKATEBOARDS, OLD STEVE MARTIN STAND-UP ROUTINES, CLIFFS, BASICALLY ALL BIRDS, NEW YORK CITY, NOSTALGIA, PUKING, COFFEE + TEA, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, SONIC YOUTH, BASEBALL, SNORKELS, BREAKFAST BURRITOS, PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS, KINDA LOS ANGELES, MY TWO-TRACK TAPE MACHINE WITH ONE BROKEN TRACK (SHOULD PROBABLY BE AT THE TOP), JAMAICA, ORBIT SPEARMINT BIGGIE PACKS, THE SLITS, SOUTH AMERICA, TACHI + THE WOLFF, JOHN CASSAVETES, DEPRESSION (THE SONG + THE FEELING), KOPA ROOM, THE VCR BRETT LOANED ME, ROSETTA STONE, DE LA, BLACK DICE, NOT BEING IN A TERRIBLE BAND, BOOKS, STORES WITH WEIRD SHIT IN THEM, DIRTY SHIRTS, COOL BREEZES, BEACHES, EMPTY ROADS, STORIES, LAUNDRYMATS, NOT NOT FUN, CHARLIE KAUFMAN, TOM WAITS, SUMMERTIME, HOMEMADE DRUMSTICKS, CEREAL SANS MILK, WOODSMOKE, PUNK ROCK, SOUTH PARK, TOAST (AND ENGLISH MUFFINS), SURF MUSIC, NBA JAM, DOUGHNUT HOLES, BUDWEISER, FIESTA GRILL, ART SUPPLY WAREHOUSE, SOVIET BIG MUFFS, JUPITER, GOOD VIBES, DAVID BYRNE, NOLA, INDIAN FOOD, THE CLOTHES I ALWAYS WEAR, EVERY FRIEND I NEVER SEE + ALL THE MISTAKES I ALWAYS MAKE (PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE).

WORRIED

DEAR DOC,

HOW'S IT GOING WITH THAT TIME MACHINE? YOU WORK OUT ALL THE KINKS YET? GOT THAT FLUX CAPACITOR ALL FIGURED OUT? I ONLY ASK BECAUSE I'M STARTING TO GET REALLY WORRIED THAT IF I DON'T TAKE THE DELOREAN BACK TO 1983 AND MARRY JUSTINE BATEMAN, MY DICK MIGHT EXPLODE. HELP ME DOC.

JRK

P.S. SORRY, I WOULD HAVE ASKED MARTY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE DUDE IS TAKING A LIL SNOOZER...

AYY YAY OOO AHH

YR A TIGER, DRUMS AND SUN...